I think it is hilarious that the day after the apocalypse was predicted, but of course didn't occur (*sad face*) is that it is National Goth Awareness Day. I think I shall dress up at my other job today and...be me. It will prove to be a good time.

In other news...things are getting better. And I do enjoy being single. I've really been independent....back in the day. After my divorce though...things went into a spiral of neediness that I think is just a normal part of the process. I have learned a lot...and definitely know where my boundaries and standards lie in a relationship. I just wish I could take back damaging myself and others in my learning process, but like a good friend said, you learn by screwing up.

I can't stop. Blah. I'm tired. I don't feel like working out and am in a funky, thoughtful, anxiety-ridden mood. I get scared to open up to people, but if you know me, you already knew this fact.

I'm tired of applying to jobs...and now I understand why my mom, after being laid off two years ago, has given up. I told her a few weeks ago, after she was encouraging me to go back to teaching sixth-grade English, that I'd have to go back, spend money on several tests so I can get my Oklahoma teaching license, and end up not liking it at all. Then I would have wasted my time on a career *that I myself have long given up on. I feel like I'm just not meant to be an Educator. I get bitter and resentful of the time I spend outside of school working on things that parents won't appreciate at all, or money I spend on the classroom I'm in, which never gets reimbursed (because the school's budget is in the crapper). She told me, "Please, don't give up. Don't be like me."

I got my bachelor's degree because I didn't want to let my parents down. I was so concerned about what my family thought of me, that I hardly spent any time figuring myself out. Now that I've spent some time since college doing that...I still feel like a failure at times. I live with my parents and I'm 30. Granted, I just moved back in with them last April after living with my ex-boyfriend and going through a divorce. It will have been a year on the 24th that I've lived with them.

I know that other people have it far worse than me, and I am grateful to be given the opportunity-through the help of my parents-to get my shit together. I just hate the thought of being a burden to them. I have two jobs now, and have been able to pay off numerous bills. I just want things to get better and to be able to get out on my own. And I'm getting there. May be things will be okay after all. I don't know.

Things are getting better. Just called and was able to settle my Wal-Mart credit card for six payments of $235. I'll have it paid off by December. Thank God. I've got a few others to pay off, and will be paying back friends this month. I feel like an entire weight has been lifted off of me. Nope it wasn't magic...just being logical about getting my debts in order...what a concept.

"She turned me into a newt."
"A newt?"
"Uh....I got better." 

Lately it seems that if I'm not falling apart emotionally, my body seems to be telling me..."OK lady, you put us on the back-burner for far too long!" I thought I had just recently gotten over an infection, which seems to be back, plus another one now. I've got an opportunity to go modeling tomorrow, and am going to take it. However, this is ridiculous. I've gotta go to the store to get black tights, and am trying not to go out and buy cigarrettes, too.

In other news...I suck at dating. It seems I can only "date" one person at a time, but then, that's being exclusive, isn't it? I don't know. Sometimes, I think I'd rather be alone, and other times, it scares me to death. I want more than just having my cats for company.

I had a dream last night, a very vivid one in fact. I dreamt that I was looking at myself in the mirror, and my hair continued to get longer and darker as I brushed it. It became fuller...and in that mirror I saw myself as possibly others have seen me, but what I was never able to see. This may sound narcissistic...but it's not meant that way at all. I was finally able to see my own beauty while looking at my changing reflection there.I saw myself become someone to be admired...a genuinely good person.

For whatever reason I have never been able or allowed myself to see this...but after a conversation I had last night with my man...I guess it came through my subconscious.

I need to stop seeing all of the negative in everything...I just don't know how. I've got a book that might help me with obsessive thought patterns, of which I am all too familiar.

I'm so tired of feeling this way...feeling like every day is a struggle...logically I shouldn't feel this way, and I know this. I'm just so damned tired of fighting these old demons.